River rat rapids! (River P.5)

The feeling of peace and serenity washed over me as I floated like some albino turd down the river…the beer defiantly helped with this feeling. We had elected to leave the sandwiches I had slaved over for more beer space; I thought this plan was a stroke of genius personally. We would only be on the river for six hours…Who the hell needed food? I lazily laughed and I floated from person to person making conversation and drinking the brew as fast as I could. I looked up from my fascinating belly button and saw a look of excitement on everyone’s faces, the “rapids” we had all heard about were coming up. I swung around in my tube to face this raging beast of nature! “Don’t fall out of your tube”, I heard some one yell behind me. I griped the black rubber handle of my floating doughnut and prepared to get crazy. The water gushed and I moved about two feet before I was violated by the rocks below, I shot up out of my tube with such force that my body had no choice but to come back down with a thud. YES A THUD! My ass was in four inches of water and stuck. I took a moment to enjoy the view then. I watched as my friends gyrated and humped the air wildly trying desperately to scuffle down this tricky counterfeit rapid all heading for deeper water. I felt the seam of my shorts dig into my goods and immediately stood up and walked back into the regular river. Out of nowhere inbred hillbillies threw rocks over our heads; you could see in their eyes they wanted to take the women! We all paddled to get away and lost them. As we floated we continued to drink, I was feeling no pain. A few hours later someone told me I was pink and needed sunscreen. I tossed my seemingly 100 pound head back and informed everyone that I need no such thing. It continued like this for some time, good friends, good, beer, good river, and GOOD GOD SOMETHING IS TRYING TO GET IN MY ASS!! The stories of water moccasins, ass eating catfish, and scuba diving homosexuals filled my head. I heard a little girl scream and realized it was me! I looked down and saw my waterproof wallet container dangling off my shorts…that’s what was popping my butt…I felt like the smartest man alive.