Late is a four-letter word (River P.1)

Friday dragged like a cave man’s bitch!! I was just about to get off work and “go down the river”, the Frio River that is, Texas F!!
By the time I got home Jen’s stalking gene was in full effect…Five messages on the answering machine ranging from “We are hear ready to go?” to “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?” I laughed knowing that when I got to her apartment she will ask the same question like a broken record. I grab my bag and the phone rings…”GET YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HERE” Jen screams. I was an hour late, I knew it, but when you live in the third biggest city in America sometimes the traffic is for shit. So with a snort and a grunt I hung up the phone and was out the door.
I got to her apartment and the front door rips open…Where have you been? What took you so long? Where have you been? What took you so long? Where have you been? What took you so long? Where have you been? What took you so long? Where have you been?…….Told ya.

Unseasy rider (River P.2)

It was Melody, Jen, and I. Melody was surprising Rob who had already been at the river all day. As she downed her third Red Bull she confessed to all that she didn’t know why she was “so hyper”, in return I confessed that I had gas…She laughed…. I wasn’t joking. 15 minutes into the drive and Melody’s hand thrusts from the back seat with a cd in it. “Track four,” she says…. Did I mention I don’t like N’Sync? Then Jennifer turns to tell me that she doesn’t want me driving her car like I normally do; I am to drive 90 mph. At this moment I realize that there is an uneven balance between my testosterone and their estrogen in this box.

The Duel (River P.3)

It had been a few hours and we were having a ball when suddenly a Mormon assault vehicle blasts past me at 95 mph! Apparently with all of the slap, tickle, and giggle going on I had allowed the car to slow to 75 mph. Laughter filled the car as the girls realized I was just passed by a family of five driving an Astrovan with luggage on the top. How could it be? Where did he come from? Why had he ass blasted me? These questions raced through my mind and slid back into the seat and felt my hands tighten on the wheel. No, no I don’t think so Mr. Fuck Stick Prick!!! The girls laughed and cheered as I slammed the pedal to the ground and one minute later hit 95 mph. The Partridge family saw me coming and sped up but they were no match for the sheer power on my four-cylinder town car. I flew past them screaming and laughing into the open air…. I was victorious. We drove on playing and singing to such hits as Bye Bye Bye (by N’sync) and Africa (by Toto) when suddenly a flash of luggage crossed my vision AGAIN. They had found us!! The sound of laughter and screams filled the car once again as I felt my blood go cold. I realized with a jolt that if I allowed this speeding 1970’s television show to beat me that I could never look my unborn child in the eyes, I realized that the very world might hang in the balance. FAILURE WAS NOT AN OPTION!! I smiled as I thought, “This is when watching Days of Thunder 126 times on TNT is going to pay off”. I slammed the peddle to the floor and 65 seconds later I was flying past the Partridge family again…..It was finally over. I had done it.
We drove for a few more hours. Carl called a few times to find out where we were…Why did he want to know? Was he in cahoots with the Partridge family? I didn’t know, but I decided to trust him.
We drove down the dirt road looking for our cabin, it was pitch black and chicks have lousy night vision. It was all up to me.
Just as Jennifer had found the road a pair of headlights came out of nowhere!!! WAS IT THEM?? HOW DID THEY FIND ME?? WAS THIS THE END??
No it was Carl, and he had come to guide us home.
But the Adventure was far from over………

Aye ye ye ye, I am the Frio Bandito!! (River P.4)

The sun was shinning and my morning wood was starting to fade away. I awoke suddenly when I heard a loud banging sound coming from the kitchen. I slid on pajamas and slowly opened the door. Like a culinary ballet Carl and Mandy seemed to maneuver and dance with each other as they prepared breakfast for us all. The look in Carl’s eyes said, “I would rather be doing this naked”…. or maybe that was just me. The human body only needs two hours sleep to function anyway. Right? I grabbed a plate and started to eat!
After a trip to pick up tubes and herding everyone into the appointed cars we were off!
We arrived at the river and everyone sluggishly moseyed out of their cars and congregated around Carl’s golden Lexus. Like worshiping a primitive god they waited for their high priest to speak…I was pulling the coolers out of my trunk. Carl came around to face the huddled masses and one couldn’t help but notice the lost and confused look on their faces. Much like Moses leading his people Carl raised his left are and commanded “TO THE RIVER”…and the people moved...or maybe I was half asleep. After a brief but effective re-orchestration of cooler contents everyone started to head for water. We needed a car to drive back up to the top of the river and get the rest of the cars once this adventure was over and I had been chosen. Carl and I raced down the roads (except for the time we got stuck behind a local retard) and dropped off the car. Then we raced back up the road. Everyone was waiting in the water when we got back, they were sloping ungodly amounts of sunscreen on each other. It looked like some kind of Hawaiian Tropic Special Olympics! I then realized that I would neigh apply that sad excuse for clown make up on my beautiful body! I slid into the water and the warm temperature engaged the sudden primitive need to urinate in the water…but I could hold it…after all we had all day.

River rat rapids! (River P.5)

The feeling of peace and serenity washed over me as I floated like some albino turd down the river…the beer defiantly helped with this feeling. We had elected to leave the sandwiches I had slaved over for more beer space; I thought this plan was a stroke of genius personally. We would only be on the river for six hours…Who the hell needed food? I lazily laughed and I floated from person to person making conversation and drinking the brew as fast as I could. I looked up from my fascinating belly button and saw a look of excitement on everyone’s faces, the “rapids” we had all heard about were coming up. I swung around in my tube to face this raging beast of nature! “Don’t fall out of your tube”, I heard some one yell behind me. I griped the black rubber handle of my floating doughnut and prepared to get crazy. The water gushed and I moved about two feet before I was violated by the rocks below, I shot up out of my tube with such force that my body had no choice but to come back down with a thud. YES A THUD! My ass was in four inches of water and stuck. I took a moment to enjoy the view then. I watched as my friends gyrated and humped the air wildly trying desperately to scuffle down this tricky counterfeit rapid all heading for deeper water. I felt the seam of my shorts dig into my goods and immediately stood up and walked back into the regular river. Out of nowhere inbred hillbillies threw rocks over our heads; you could see in their eyes they wanted to take the women! We all paddled to get away and lost them. As we floated we continued to drink, I was feeling no pain. A few hours later someone told me I was pink and needed sunscreen. I tossed my seemingly 100 pound head back and informed everyone that I need no such thing. It continued like this for some time, good friends, good, beer, good river, and GOOD GOD SOMETHING IS TRYING TO GET IN MY ASS!! The stories of water moccasins, ass eating catfish, and scuba diving homosexuals filled my head. I heard a little girl scream and realized it was me! I looked down and saw my waterproof wallet container dangling off my shorts…that’s what was popping my butt…I felt like the smartest man alive.

Tubeboobular Adventure (River P.6)

We had braved the three foot water fall (well most us), taken countless leg dangling bathroom breaks, been chased by redneck river rats, dragged over yards of rock by Carl, and imagined names for our floating “tube city”. It had truly been a wonderful experience. As we neared the end we waved wildly at the other half of our group who had left an hour before us. We dragged our tubes out of the water and scuffled up the side of the bank. “OKAY! Jamie, Colton, and I will get the cars and be back in a minute”, said Carl. My half delusional state came to a screeching halt with the realization that I had left my keys in Carl’s Lexus…. at the top of the river…. seven miles away at the top of the river. It had never occurred to me that I would need to drive everyone back up until this moment. In a delirious state I smiled and said, “I left the keys in your Lexus”…. Everyone laughed and snickered…. I was serious. The very moment everyone realized I was not joking they all slowly backed away from Carl and I. In the distance I could hear the theme song form The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly playing. I braced myself and waited for whatever was to come…”Well lets walk up the road and see if we can get a ride at the gas station”, said Carl. It seemed that it just wasn’t my day to die after all.
We caught a ride with “Luke” a country boy who didn’t mind our wet asses on his leather seats. We tried to talk about cell phone reception but we did have some dead spots in the conversation. Once we got back down and loaded every one up, we headed back to our cabin.

Cabin fever (River P.7)

After a trip to city to buy night tubing equipment Jamie informed us that the deadly snakes, scorpions, and other nightlife in the river would inevitably kill us the moment we got wet. This little exaggeration changed the entire course of the evening. We were staying at the cabin!!

The night continued with the drawing tattoos, photographically exploiting the girls, watching Carl hit himself in the balls with glow sticks, and other zany antics…But that’s another story.

New Orleans please don’t go.

When shall I hear the marching band with its big brass instruments and its pounding drums walking down Bourbon St, or the Zydeco bands whose music would spill out into the streets nightly?
When shall I see the cities of the dead built and maintained with love, or the genuine hospitality and smiles of the people?
When shall I smell that dirty south air that made one feel at home, or the swamp flowers that seemed to be placed there by the hand of God?
When will I taste that sweet Cajun and Creole Cuisine that would ease my very soul, or the spirits we drank that were made even sweeter by the good company?
It was a nervous and beautiful city that took my breath away. An explosion of color and joy where every night was a celebration of life! It was a unique place where nightmares and dreams held hands as they strolled through the Parishes. It was a hollowed ground where the saints could let their hair down and enjoy earthly pleasures. A dark piece of history that was filled with an oppressed people whose true freedom came much to late. They smiled as the world filled their streets and lived carelessly. They smiled as they picked up after us…they were just happy to be apart of our joy for a little while. The Acadian and Creole people were bound and determined to make a home, but what they built was a true American Shangri-La
GIVE ME MARDI GRAS!
GIVE ME FRENCH QUARTER!
GIVE ME VOODOO!
GIVE ME CRAWFISH ETOUFFEE!
And I will give my heart…
New Orleans please don’t go.